A Year To Wait

Dreary and parched the last day passed ,

I carry with me your memories locked.

I opened my eyes to a  brand new year

To know, in my aching heart you still persevere !

In each bit of its broken pieces ;

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-soon to be part of an anthology-

Musings . . .

                                            The answer evades itself . . It presents more or less like a blurred mirage every time the deepest recesses of her mind poke at her the query - Why do you hope this hard ?! 


                                        She was reluctant to ponder deep on those implicit ones . . .because  She didnt know for sure the answer . . . or she is scared that her reasoning might let her down, reveal to her the stark reality looming playfully teasing her.  . . Which she chose to ignore otherwise wistfully . . . 

                                            The heart preaches - Hope everytime climaxes with a sunshine at the end of the tunnel ,the tunnel being the long dreary hours you drag wishing something . . dreaming for something . . . toiling for something . . . praying for something . .  Something purely precious .


                                         The head retorts -Try to think with sense dear . Doesnot hope stretch the whining period a tad bit long ? Especially when the situation presents such that you seem to have absolutely no control over the turn of events ? . . . Yes hope kills . . It has been busy strenghthening the basement of your defeat all the way . . The moment the despondent mind let herself adsorb this fact , it would be too late . . . Its always too late . . She thought . . .


                                         A shut door is believed to be  the pointer to an even promising doorway . We muster every ounce of courage dwelling though scanty in our bereft minds to run miles away from the dark alley . . Only to glance bak longingly at d closed door , wishing it would open . . Open wide just for us one day to leave us breathless in awe n joy . . Sad that mostly it never happens . .And  even worse when tht special sumthng wich ruled our lyf at one pt of tym ceases to matter nymore just like that , blame the healing power of time . . Or should we thank it ? We can brave the odds . . Or swear the Gods . . Either way destiny lies awaiting us sumwhere . . 

  
                                           The whims and fancies of her dreamy life has always pricked her back . . .For she was foolish enough to swim with the enchanting tide . . Only to realise ultimately that she has been smashed against the rock . .Was it worthy relishing the journey so promisingly mesmerising , when you gained simply torture and nothing else from the same in the end , let alone happiness ?  Her mind is testing her today , way too much . Yes it has always played the part of a modulator in her pain ! She sweared .

                                        But then only to pull you up from the ashes my friend . . . It whispered .But she didnt hear those powerful words . . . The turmoil of her inside was so shadowed with deperation that it made her deaf . . A tear drop smudged her black kohl . . . Another rolled down to her trembling lips . . The tears would flow all night drenching her pillow . . She would slide into a slumber sometime into the night. . Unaware . . 
                                          
                                      And like the clear blue sky shining with gust after a heavy downpour ,she would wake up from her sleep to welcome the day . . The quibbles would retreat to the recesses . . For its time to smile now . . .She goes on. . . knowing the brighter moment would hardly last . . 


                                    But for all the melancholy hours, for all the tumbling dreams , sure she deserves atleast that much isnt ? 

The Tunes Know Me . . .

With my ears plugged to the mellifluous track ,

I doodled idly with an ink that is black . . .

Humming low and soft to the dreamy tune ,

Fingers treading playfully through my locks waving like dune 

Bits of life brush past my mind ,

In sync with the lyrics they perfectly blend !

A few saw me smiling at times ;

While one made the ink smudge in my tears . .

The metal clings brought me ever to a high !

Dissolve does my inner self sometimes with a sigh

In awe am i with the world it leads me,

The emotional tussle, ruffle, the notes evoke in me !

Ask me in misery, what soothes me down,

A melody  is the answer and it wins sure hands down . .

Is there a company allowed to befriend me in solitude?

Yes, the arms of music , through thick, thin and fortitude .

At This Juncture . .

                                          

                                                        After spending quite many an eventful year at loggerheads with exams and clinical vivas it brings me exceptional pride and joy to adsorb this into my mind that i am a registered medical practioner atlast ! Yes as the general idea runs doctors are never in dearth of a paid job . So much for the 6 years we toiled in the hospital corridors , wards and exam halls ! I am not sure how many would be aware of  a bond which is threaded onto the registration certificate ( referring to kerala state ) , which  apparently seems not that small a baggage to take along for most of the fresh pass outs . And that is a one year compulsory service in the alloted rural areas of the state .  

                                                     Frankly speaking , those students who managed be part of the much acclaimed creamy layer , which happens to be the government medical college seats , are the ones left with a scorn on their faces . Simply because of the fact that the whole endeavour is biased to say the least . For the students who got into the deemed and unaided medical colleges  are exempted from this service and we are stuck in the utterly suburban areas ( not necessarily ) while they manage to attend coaching classes , immerse themselves in voluminous books all year round and finally grab a seat for the post graduation .


                                                  Yes a doctor should be service minded and we are; but then injustice more often than not dampens the spirit and certainly contributes least to pump up compassion . An alternative is staring right on their faces ; that is to let us carry out the compulsory bond after we have finally settled down with a p.g degree in our hands which clearly is sans doubt  a necessity in this era !

              
                                                  And thus,  like any other medical student who survived the much dreaded final year examinations, i too signed the dotted lines to serve my state for one year on a compulsory basis .
                                                   Now, as i got posted away from home again the problem of a safe and comfortable place to stay popped up and that was when my parents suggested i get into a particular hostel they  evidently have much promise about . We finally managed to procure a room there through a member of the hostel committee for its  a tough nut to crack otherwise so an inhabitant told me . . What the heck was all i could mutter ! 
                                                  To my dismay the confrontation with the hostel warden was one of the most unpleasant ones i had in my whole life. Infact i could vouch without a tad of doubt that ' SMILE ' is never an over rated mannerism ! That was the day i realised how much of an emotional connect and chemistry a simple upcurving of your lips can put across . Seriously , its no hollow phrase when they say , " Smile and the world smiles back at you ". The most meaningful sentence i came across this week , hands down ! 

                                                     It came as a whiff of relief when i noticed the fact that once a member of the hostel we rarely need to nurture any sort of relation , let alone acquaintance with the lady . . Phew ! Otherwise the hostel proved to heavenly with delicious food, 5 mts by auto to the railway station, walkable distance to the bus station, and a mile away from the heart of one of the most important cities in our country .


                                                        Fortunately the superintendent of the hospital happened , much to my relief , to be pretty much an amiable lady  ( yes she welcomed us with a sweet smile , you guessed it right ) . And the place i got to work seemed comfortable too . 

                                                     
                                                    Well, lucky or not , all i want to beat myself into my head at this juncture is that , we cannot expect life to be rosy on our demand . Adjustments are a the lynchpin not merely when it comes to a relationship, but also  in each and every moment you harbour this world . You never know what is in hold the very next second . . But we definitely know what we are left to right this moment . . Live it to the fullest . Might sound cliched , but then holding onto this line of thought is worthy , for sometimes we are swept to a point of life when words and thoughts can provide the much needed impetus to move on . . 

November In My Mirror . .

                                                       
                                                        Having nurtured the unworthy habit of losing the spark midway through a venture, i stumbled upon this decision during one of my day dreaming ( contemplative if i put it sophisticatively ! ) sessions.  Yes, without a tad of doubt or dilemma i can state right on that writing is one of my utmost passions . . the rest being my profession, music , dance, reading, journeys, adventure to pick the ardent ones that keep my heart pumping with all its energy , exhilaration and enthusiasm .


Coming back to the whole point behind this post ; so as not to let this passion slip away or burn out from me , i have made up my mind to jot down the events or rather the titbits that scurried past through my days in any particular month . Atleast that way i would come up with a minimum of one post a month . Sounds good right ? But then the subtle details that coloured my days would be disclosed only if my heart yields to the same which in any way cant be promised . 


                                                        November - the month which drenches in the heavy downpours . . the month when days are at their cozy , serene best . . the month when the breeze blows past you leaving a blush on your cheek , a ruffle on your hair and an enriching moment in the depths of your mind . true to the metaphor , the month saw my days pouring all through the day . . all through the night . days started growing heavy so much so that it was like i was left with no option but to let the whole burden out through my eyes helplessly. If anything could be scarier than the days then that was the lonely nights i had to wait and wait with a whimper to slip into a slumber . 

                                                           Misery can be devastating, it can kill you inside out. it can mutilate your mind, heart and soul. it can leave you high and dry amidst a crowd of happy , loving people with a wound so deep and swollen , that it throbs achingly each time the thought causing its inception cross your mind. 

                                                   One silver lining among the myriads of memories lying scattered is the much awaited , much celebrated trip to mumbai . I should admit without even a meagre doubt that , the journey to mumbai, the days spent there, the presence of the dear ones who made the whole trip exceptional , changed my state of mind for the better to a little extent .

                                                          

                                                     There was this contest running in the indiblogger, a blogging site for over a month now . . surf excel matic contest . I did partake in it and came up with a post    http://colouredbydreamz.blogspot.com/2011/11/tribute-to-time.html . The posts which manage to grab the first three slots would be grazed with an apple ipad 2 . . Sexy isnt ;). Now that was one cherry topping on the otherwise smashed cake .  Awaiting the results due next week eagerly 


* The book i managed to read : Burial at sea by Khushwant singh . Onto The shadow lines by Amitav ghosh


*  The songs i was addicted to : Call it what you want by Foster the people 
                                                 Someone like you by Adele 
                                                 Paradise by Coldplay  
                                                 We found love by Rihanna 
                                                 Jazba from Ladies vs ricky bahl . 
                                                 Sadda haq , Tum ho ank katiya karoon from Rockstar 


* Lyrics that touched me :  1 ) When you are gone by Avril 
                                                        2 ) This is your life by Switchfoot
                                                        3 ) In the shadows by Rasmus
                                                        4 ) Tum ho from Rockstar


* One movie i watched :  The adventures of tin tin . So so so wanted to watch rockstar unfortunate enough i couldnt :(  2 ) Dil chahta hai ( for the hundredth time ) , 3 ) The ugly truth ( sexy :P )  4 ) Three idiots


* One quote which attracted my thought field : Courage doesnt always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ' i will try again tomorrow '


* One thought that soothed me : I am a believer of the Almighty who is my greatest strenght. they say miracles happen to those who believe in it ; yes my faith in God has brought me miracles which leave me in awe in retrospect ! and yes ,  i have promised myself never to break the string that connects me to Him.


* The decision : 1 ) To study hard , real hard so that i would end up pursuing a surgical speciality . if not this year , then definitely next year .
                      
                      2 ) To keep my friends close to my heart and to never ever let them disappear from my life . Infact , this revelation hit me strong and hard one day, thanks to my bitter experiences, that friendship is one of the most precious of the bonds that could provide pretty much a share of your salvation . And like in any relation , whatever you name, its really important that sometimes you need to reach out to the other person more than he or she tries to. Trash your ego forever ; it lends nothing but a negative spark to the relation leaving you in flames. 


                                With a few dedicated to the core people around me , i feel myself blessed to say the least ! love you shabna, safi , k.v , dheeraj, sukita, amrin , niyasikka , mathew  and the special ones - jinu sir and my darling brother . love you all for making my haven a paradise :)) 


* The happiness : Mumbai trip and You


* The sadness :  You ( ironical indeed )


* I shopped for :   Four tees , a pair of blue jeans , two handbags , two pairs of footwear


                                                Well, that some way or the other sums up my November. eventful or not i say the days taught me lot , wounded me lot , tickled me to laughter to the core though it happened rarely leaving me with a bundle of multiflavoured memories to be carried onto the next month - December .